i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
