Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
