Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
