she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
