He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
