yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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