There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
