I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
