I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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