i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
