Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize