I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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