new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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