Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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