my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
