You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
