Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
