what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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