so explain again why im purple
no
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
