you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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