i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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