If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
