We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
