why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
