my mouth tastes like poor choices
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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