I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
