So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
