I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
