i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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