I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
