it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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