She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
