No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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