i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
