On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
