"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
