He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
