Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
