You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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