I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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