I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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