I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize