The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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