You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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