I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
