i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
