i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
