Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
