a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
