i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
is that a dick in a sweater?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
