happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
