Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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