I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
