I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
