she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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