I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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