i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
