Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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