I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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