Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
